this is a test.

This quarantine-slash-pandemic has put me in a state of restlessness. I’m constantly made aware of time ticking by… and the routine-less routine days have become redundant — the redundancy a reflection of what I consider a dumbing down of myself. LOL. Harsh. But I fear I’ve become someone so lacking of dimension.

You can sum me up with: Anthony Bourdain, food especially tasting menus, and all things home-cozy. Underneath the surface, there’s not much. Don’t get me wrong — I have aspirations; I put my money where my mouth is more often than not; I know I’m not stupid or uninformed; I’m not socially awkward; I don’t neglect my health; I clean up after myself. But I consider all these basic successes as that of a functional, surviving person rather than someone building a thriving and fulfilled life.

I have no direction or drive other than the nuclear definition of success, however vague that may be. I have been in a creative lull — not seeking any hobbies or passions, other than just wanting to watch TV, get take-out and and waste time scrolling on my iPhone screen. I’m losing touch and losing confidence in myself as a software engineer, fearing the corporate world of tech that I’m basically bound to for the rest of my life. My anxiety surrounding this is overwhelming and alarming at times, but I know I still have a good chance of figuring out the corporate world. My anxiety surrounding my relationships, however, is a different story. I’d rather not talk about it other than I have a shit support system and it’s probably mostly my fault. Moreover, I have been locked up pandemic-style, forced to fight the demons of being in a romantic relationship as someone who grew up in a broken family wherein I lacked the validation and had to fend for myself. Is it even fair to use that as an excuse? Who am I outside of my relationship? Who am I outside of the same shows I keep rewatching? Who am I in the tech world, as a girl who only began to seek the field as my key to financial success and nothing else? Who am I outside of my basic day-to-day functions?I’ve become so single-dimensional. I want to figure this out, as in, however cliche this sounds, I want to find meaning.

Now that I read back on that last chunk of a paragraph — I think to myself that I need to stop being so negative. But that’s a battle I’ve been fighting for a while now, obviously not winning. The logical part of me just can’t justify positive-thinking. I feel the need to always acknowledge the negative, as a way of keeping myself in check, defenses up. I need to remember. I need to remember. I need to remember.

But things need to change. Evolve per se. This is where I hope to start.